It's like fighting a habit now.Fighting my will to study,making myself to study.Building momentum with all i can.Ridiculously,it's tough.Real tough.I jus sat here after a serious arguement with my brain ,asking what i have to do.I jus break my own timetable and did not complete what i have given myself.It's tiring to keep telling yourself things that seems impossible yet in the other part of your mind saying ,i have done it before.It's suddenly jus seems like a drug addit trying to get away from drug.I felt lost for utter number of times and it just seems that my destination is gettting further and further from me.
Everything seems to be base on jus my power of will.Training for no big reason but jus telling myself consistently that 1 day i would be able to protect myself,my ideals or even Her.However,this will seems weak against those who train in groups ,in ccas ,they seems much stronger than the current me.I really wonder how much can i go with just this will alone.I felt that i have lost the capability that i once had.In cotrast , at the same time it's a good thing that i can train and compete with myself unlike last time ,competing with the strong ad always set them as targets.In a way i can never excel better than them ,because i know in my mind that i always need that 1 person infront of me or else i just can be that strong.In a way it's an dependence.
Well..nevertheless,I hope everything can go long enough before my flame of will exhaust before i even achieve my momentum.I know everythingi do require momentum,but i just have a fear that my will, will just burn out before then.I'm worried.
This goes the same for my studies as well.Go to university?I proclaimed to everybody.I feel so uncapable of failing to acheive my peak of my capapability in both my studies and power.Feel so like someone who can just boast around like a fool.
With all these,my brain is in a destruction mode of going to collaspe any moment.
Sometimes feel so overwhemled that i hope i had someone,Her, to console me,to pick me up again ,to say it's alright.Rather then having to handle everything by myself.Someone to encourage me that is.Gee.
